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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639360">Baby, let me go.                         (Hold on)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyfic/pseuds/jellyfic'>jellyfic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Comfort, Jealous Kenma, KuroKen - Freeform, M/M, Mention of Cigarette, Mention of alcohol, Panic Attack, and scary, angst with kind of happy end, beware if your sensible to it, it’s a party, love is really stressful</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:21:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,017</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyfic/pseuds/jellyfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma isn’t the type of person to be jealous.<br/>And yet, here he is.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>292</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Baby, let me go.                         (Hold on)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If it’s interesting for someone; I wrote this while listening to “Playa - Dennis Lloyd” </p><p>Enjoy (well, kind of) !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s3">Music echoed loudly in the apartment smothering the student’s discussion — or rather shoutings. The lights on the ceilings were turned off, allowing the multiples garlands lights to illuminate the whole house. Kenma could search as much as he wanted, he knew he wouldn’t find a single sober person among the crowd. They were talking on the couches or the floor, playing silly games on the terrace or dancing in the living room, but everyone had at least a glass of alcohol in their blood. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Everyone except Kenma. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond growled, seriously thinking that, for once, he should let him be temped. Sitting on the stairs, legs brought against his chest, arms circling them, he was looking at the terrace. More precisely, observing a certain bed-head who was on the terrace. Kuroo had been talking for nearly an hour with a boy that the ex-setter didn’t know. He guessed it was a friend from uni, but didn’t remember his friend talking about him, otherwise, he would have noticed how fondly Kuroo talked about him. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">When both Kuroo and he had crossed the terrace to find a quiet place to sit an hour earlier, the boy had called him “Testu” and his friend’s face had illuminated as if he had been waiting for that moment since they arrived. He even told Kenma to keep going, that he would join him in a minute. The minute transformed into an hour, which led to this exact moment of Kenma observing them from afar. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Usually, he would have simply found someone else to talk to but something in the surname and the delighted face of Kuroo forced him to stay sit in a corner to wait. He liked to tell himself that he was just checking his friend was fine, that if he was alone in a corner it was just because he didn’t felt like talking to anyone. But his tight fists and jaw and his red lips being chewed mercilessly showed something else. Sitting there was a bad idea, but he just couldn’t look away. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">There was something that annoyed him in the way the two boys talked in their ears. He guessed that to be heard in all this clatter, it was necessary to be close to each other. But the hand on Kuroo’s shoulder surely didn’t help them hear better. The laughs they were exchanging while leaning on each other did not make their voice more audible. And the cigarette they were sharing surely didn’t help them understand each other better. Kenma wrinkled his nose when he saw his friend breathing out steam for the third time. No, there wasn’t any reason for them to stand this close while laughing stupidly as if they knew each other since forever. And the fact that Kenma didn’t know the name of the guy upset him more than he would admit. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But Kenma wasn’t jealous. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma never does jealousy. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It wasn’t the first time he had let himself be dragged by Kuroo at a party. Even though he liked staying at home, simply playing or watching TV with his friend, he was okay with going out from time to time. And Kuroo letting him alone had stopped being a problem. Since high school, Kenma met a lot of people and even befriend some, thanks to Kuroo for the most part and then, the volleyball team. Most of them were always in for parties and he didn’t mind talking to them at all. And even when he didn’t want to, he would just find a corner to sit and look at people. He found it distracting enough not to go back home before 23PM. But tonight, the blond seriously started to second guess his choice. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Shouyou suddenly passed in front of him, two glasses in hands. He stopped in his momentum, going back on his steps after he noticed Kenma. He had his usual smile on his face, cheeks a bright shade of red. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Kenma!” He shouted over the music. “What are you doing alone here? Do you want me to get you something to drink?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond turned to the side, looking at the place Hinata intended to go, to meet with Kageyama talking to Nishinoya in the kitchen. He put back his attention on his friend. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I don’t drink alcohol, Shou.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The boy laughed but added, not baffled. “I know that. But there are also soft drinks, you know?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma smiles lightly but shook his head, refusing his proposal. Shouyou shrugged and went back to his group of friends, still smiling, letting Kenma alone with his thoughts. His gaze went back on Kuroo who had an arm over the shoulder of his friend now and was talking really close to his face. He felt his heart squeeze as he bit his lip. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He had always liked to think Kuroo and him were meant to be together. No matter their relationship, he just knew they both always succeed in bringing out the best in the other. There wasn’t a single time when they weren’t proud of their friends, always being supportive of and caring about the other. He had always been happy for Kuroo, whatever the situation was. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">So this couldn’t be jealousy. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">And yet, acting impulsively, he got up. He let his legs cross the kitchen in a few steps without thinking too much about it, to stop right in front of Shouyou who had just joined his friends. Without a word, he took one of the glasses in his friend’s hand and brought it to his mouth without any further thoughts. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Kenma, that’s-“ Shouyou started but the end of his sentence found itself lost as he observed the blond, eyes wide. The same surprising expressions could be seen on Kageyama’s and Noya’s faces. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma drank it all in one time, shutting his eyes closed strongly. It was only when the glass was empty than he stopped, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, looking at it with disgust. Then, in a strangled voice, he said. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Disgusting. What’s that?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It took a few seconds for the spiker to found back his usual cheerfulness before answering in a chuckle. “Vodka.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond winced, shaking his head as if it could erase the horrible taste. Then, the crystalline laugh of Shouyou echoed in the room, quickly followed by Noya’s who even gave him a slight tap on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Guess I need to get me another drink then.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma nodded, feeling a bit sorry to have stolen his friend’s drink like that. He said anyway. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Yeah, get me something sweeter too, please.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Shouyou came back quickly, two glasses in hand, giving one to the ex-setter of Nekoma. This last took it, glancing at it suspiciously, his boldness from minutes ago already vanished. How many drinks did it take to be drunk? Was it safe for him to take another one? Won’t he die because of the disgusting taste? Despite him, he took a sip, wincing from apprehension. The taste was way lighter than the previous one but Kenma still couldn’t understand how people could willingly drink this at every party. He drank it nonetheless under the gaze of Karasuno’s players.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Are you okay though?” Kageyama asked. Kenma glanced up at him, he seemed concerned. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He swept his question away with a move of his hand, declaring it as forbidden in the discussion. The crow nodded, caring enough to avert his gaze. The three friends then continued their talking from before Kenma’s interruption, apparently discussing what Noya had been doing since he left high school a few months earlier. The blond listened partly, slowly understanding that the ex-libero seemed happy where he was. Good for him. He swore he tried to keep up with the discussion, not wanting to be rude and trying to get his mind to focus on something. Something else than his childhood friend. He looked at his drink. Wasn’t this sort of thing supposed to help forget things we didn’t want to think about? Alcohol would definitely stay a mystery for him. He sighed. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Without his consent, his eyes darted back to where he had left Kuroo earlier, definitely abandoning the three boys next to him. He frowned when he saw that his friend was nowhere to be seen. Of course, he searched for him, looking from afar, scanning the visible rooms from his place. He found the bed-head sitting with the same guy on a table not far away from him. They seemed to be in the middle of an important discussion. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma bit his lip as he felt his heart sink. He didn’t have the right to feel this kind of pain right now. It was Kuroo for fuck’s sake! He should be happy to see him enjoying his night. He shouldn’t feel tears threatening to flow in front of a Kuroo who clearly liked spending time with this guy. Plus, this last seemed to like Kuroo too, Kenma had nothing to do in this schema if not supporting his friend. He hated that feeling, he felt like he was betraying Kuroo, like he was failing him as a friend. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma wasn’t the jealous type. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Yet, he couldn’t deny the name of the feeling that grew stronger and stronger in his heart. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He sighed, looking down at his glass. No, he had no reason no stay here tonight, he didn’t feel welcomed and alcohol won’t make it better. Without a word to his three friends, Kenma searched for the host of the party. He abandoned his drink on a table, refusing to get another single drop of it. He found Akaashi in a corner of the living room with his ex-teammates, glass in hand too. His cheeks were slightly red but Kenma couldn’t pinpoint if it was because of the drink or the way Bokuto was leaning against him. He informed Akaashi that he was going back home and silently thanked him for not asking questions. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Letting out a breath of relief and tiredness, Kenma got out of the apartment, enjoying the fresh air of the night entering his lungs and calming him instantly. The suffocating hot air from inside had made him tensed, so he felt at ease outside and alone. He took a huge breath, plunging his hands into his pockets, regretting that he hadn’t brought his PSP. He hardly took a step that he felt a presence in his back and noticed that he hadn’t heard the noise of the door closing behind him. He sighed, knowing with no need to check, who was emitting that calming atmosphere he liked so much. But for once, he would have preferred not feeling it. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Where are you going?” Kuroo’s voice broke the silence. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Home.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond didn’t turn back, not wanting to confront his friend’s gaze. He knew Kuroo wanted him to stay a bit longer, but he wasn’t in the mood for looking at him flirt all night. There were a few silent seconds before the footsteps faded and the door slammed. Kenma breathed out, he hadn’t noticed he had been holding it. He closed his eyes, granting him a few minutes to settle his mind and preventing him from crying. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He couldn’t blame anyone but him. He was the one that had let his feeling wander beyond the line of friendship. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">As he was about to go for good, the door opened behind him. Out of reflex, he turned and frowned when he saw Kuroo stepping out with his sweater in hand. He asked. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Where are you going?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Home.” He echoed his previous answer. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“You can stay. I’m not five anymore, I can go back by myself.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma would have preferred going back home alone, walking by himself in the cold air to think and find back his usual self. His not-jealous self. But his friend started walking, so he caught up without a word. The way home was silent. No smiles were exchanged, no contacts were established, not even stupid remarks were said. Kuroo was just walking, hands in his pockets. He was looking in front of him, not even glancing once to Kenma who was walking alongside him, looking at his feet. Ten minutes passed before the silence was finally broken. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Are you willingly going to tell me why you left early or I’ll have to guess it by myself?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">There wasn’t any venom or reproof in his voice, yet his words pierced Kenma’s heart like a knife’s blade. He bit his lip. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kuroo being brutal with his words wasn’t something new, above all during these last months. He knew his friend hadn’t intended to be rude, but Kenma had made his life a living hell since they moved together, so it was normal for the brown boy to feel upset. He knew the ex-captain was referring to all the time Kenma had withdrawn into himself, refusing to talk or even see Kuroo. Since his feelings had transformed into something more, Kenma had become the secretive and introvert being he was younger again. He could understand the frustration his friend felt, as he had to restart everything from the beginning of their friendship. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It started even before Kuroo graduated. Kenma was afraid of losing him, afraid that uni would change their friendship. He started to act strangely and was very contradictory. He would curl up against him to feel his presence, enjoying the last times he could do that. But then, he would feel his heart beating faster, his cheeks burning and he would feel hot. That led to him putting some space between them for days, as he was trying to get ahead of himself. Kuroo never reproached him anything, keeping up with his bipolar attitude. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Then he graduated. And Kenma used their time apart to suppress his feelings, trying to think about something else, convincing him that it would go away. He rejected Kuroo a lot during that time, focusing on his own graduation. But once he did graduate, his friends proposed him to move in his apartment. It was the best option Kenma had. Kuroo’s wasn’t far away from his university, and at least he wouldn’t be alone while facing the first leap into adulthood. But living with Kuroo brought up all his feelings and it quickly become clear for him that his love for his best friend wouldn’t go away. So again, he decided to put some space between them, except for some selfish moments when he decided to cuddle against him on the couch. And again, Kuroo said nothing about it, accepting him as he was. He had the right to be mad, but he wasn’t. At least, he wasn’t mad enough to blow everything in Kenma’s face. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He didn’t answer, keeping his head down, prying to arrive home faster. To his relief, they opened the door two minutes later, getting rid of their shoes at the same time. It was in this kind of moment than Kenma regretted sharing an apart with his friend. Moving in with Kuroo felt normal three months earlier. But now, all he wanted was to be left alone. So he rushed into his room when he saw his friend going into the kitchen and laid down on his bed, looking at the ceiling. He hardly had the time to sigh that Kuroo joined him, two glasses of water in hand. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The younger of the two whined internally, understanding that the night was going to be long. Kuroo wanted an answer and he wouldn’t give up before he was satisfied with it. Kenma sat up, laying his back against the wall, letting enough space next to him for his friend to sit down. Which he did, shoulders pressing against each other, as he gave one glass to the other boy. They both starred at the TV’s screen, without really seeing it.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma let out a long breath, eyebrows knit together, looking at his glass. He felt Kuroo fidgeting at his side and turned his head to see what he was doing. He surprisingly found himself at a few centimeters away from his face, from where he could clearly see the beautiful brown color of his eyes. Had his eyes always been this deep? He noticed the frown on his friend’s face and felt his cheeks reddening from the proximity. He opened his mouth to ask what he was doing when Kuroo sniffed. <em>Sniffed</em>. Then, he wrinkled his nose before pulling away, snorting. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Since when do you drink?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma’s cheeks took a purple-ish shade to the simple fact that Kuro had guessed this by smelling his breath. But he got over it quickly though, shaking his head and frowning again. He retorted.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“You’re the one to talk. Since when do you smoke?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The seconds stretched around them while they stared at each other, daring. Then, the older shrugged. “It happened sometimes at parties since I started uni.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">His frown deepened, but Kenma decided to let this go and turned back to his TV. He could see his reflection on the dark screen. He drank a few sips of his water before letting out heavily. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I was just tired and needed some rest.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He focused on his glass that he started playing with, turning it between his hands. He could almost hear all Kuroo’s neurons activate at his side, sending millions of messages at the time. This would have made him laugh in another situation. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“If it was true, you would just have gone upstairs to play on your phone until I come to search for you.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma took another sip, hoping to drown his pain. Of course, Kuroo would know he was lying. Who else if not him? He could think all he wanted, Kenma knew he had no way out of this.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Should he really tell him everything? He had succeeded at keeping it a secret for years, without counting the ones he had spent pushing his feelings aside, afraid of what they could mean. Was he really about to waste all his efforts in a single night? </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He knew this time Kuroo wouldn’t let him get away easily. Plus, he had neither the envy nor the strength to find a decent lie. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I didn’t have any reason to stay, that’s all.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma could feel eyes examining him intensely, searching for the slightest break in his expression, the slightest clue in his movements which would tell if he was sincere. Kuroo often did that. Too often. He could read into Kenma like an open book, decrypting even between the lines. Only one part of the book remained foreign. At least, Kenma hopped. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Why?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Because there was this boy. Because he had all the bed-head’s attention, while he had been alone trying not to stalk. Because the brutal reality had caught him. There would be a time when Kuroo would be tired of spending time with a friend, when he would search for a partner, a being to share his love with, for good. He knew they were still young, but Kenma wanted his partner to be his best friend, he wanted to experience life at Kuroo’s side and no one else. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But the answer he gave wasn’t from his previous thoughts. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“You were busy.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He tried to be as casual and nonchalant as he could, hoping that it won’t show how much he was affected by the situation. But Kuroo wasn’t a fool. He turned to the TV again, emptying his glass before continuing. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I’m not your only friend anymore. Everybody was here, you weren’t alone.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“But it’s not the same.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The sentence escaped the blond’s mouth in a shaky murmur nearly inaudible. The oldest low-key smiled, turning back to his friend, pushing his shoulder with his own, letting out a small chuckle. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“There is it! You’re afraid I’ll let you down?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">There was a certain lightness in his voice sounding like a half-laugh. But instead of soothing the atmosphere, his reaction just tensed it. At least, for the blond. Face edgy, Kenma looked back at his own glass, drinking it instead of answering. He didn’t have to answer this, he didn’t have to do all the talking. Kuro would figure it out by himself. He was a grown man. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“You’re afraid I’ll forget about you?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I’m not afraid.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The answer was cold between Kenma’s clenched teeth contrasting Kuroo’s playful tone and betraying his annoyment. He just wanted to make him swallow his stupid grin.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Bullshit.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The more they talked, the more the blond felt anger growing in his veins. His body was trembling, burning with madness he didn’t even know he had. He hated the twist this discussion was having and his friend’s reactions just made things worse. He wasn’t ready for this conversation, he didn’t want to talk about it. He spoke, despite himself, with a steady voice. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“It will happen eventually.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kuroo’s smile disappeared as he observed his friend minutely, forcing Kenma to hide behind his hair, averting his gaze. He bit his lip, feeling a knot in his throat and frustrated tears gathered in his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he felt the boy move a little and then a whisper. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“You’re stupid.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It took him a moment to understand the words, then, Kenma violently turned to his friend, frowning, eyes full of tears. His mouth was distorted into a disgusted wince. This time there hadn’t been an ounce of humor in his voice. And this time, the blond was mad for good. He got up, grabbing his jacket in the movement. He wasn’t going to stay here, confessing his feelings, putting their friendship in danger just to be called stupid. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">In heavy and determined steps he directed towards the kitchen intending to take his keys and go outside for a walk. But a firm hand prevented him to go further away once in the hallway, grabbing his wrist. They were both standing straight, hyper-aware of the tension between them. It felt like a step further would crack the floor, creating an abyss that would never be closed. A step further felt like twenty years of friendship back. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma’s trembling voice echoed against the walls. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Let go off me.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“No.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The rift appeared. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond breathed in and out heavily. The grip on his arm wasn’t strong but the contact burnt him nonetheless. He wanted to scream, to wrestle and run outside but he restrained himself, keeping his back turned to the boy. Confronted to his lack of reaction, Kuroo was the first to break, screaming, clearly worried. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Kenma, what’s happening to you?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The ground cracked. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He chewed his lip, blinking repetitively to prevent his tears from falling down. But it was effortless since they flowed anyway, tracing a path on his cheeks. He finally turned to face Kuroo’s worried and surprised expression. His heart squeezed at the thought that he was the reason for his friend’s despair. His voice broke, threatening. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I won’t repeat it a third time. Let go off me.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The could feel the floor trembling, menacing. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma felt like he was at the edge of the chasm. His whole body was trembling, his breathing was erratic and he knew, however this situation would end, the crisis couldn’t be averted. He was trying to keep it all inside of him for the longest he could, trying not to burst, not to blow up, not right now. Not in front of Kuroo. He focused on his breathing, closing his eyes to keep away any other thought than how to breathe calmly. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But his friend threw all his efforts away. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kuroo pulled on his arm, strengthening his grip. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The shell exploded. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">And the ground parted. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma fought off, shouting, crying, and struggling to get away from Kuroo’s grip. But this last encircled his body with his arms, tightening with all of his strength. Hot and big tears were flowing on his cheeks too. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He won’t let his friend fall.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Get off me!” The cry was imploring, pleading and yet full of anger, full of stress and distress. Ear-splitting. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But Kuroo held on, struggling, confronted with the younger’s shots. But it wasn’t what broke him the most. His cries were the most heartbreaking, the most destructive things he ever heard in his life. He was sobbing, admitting in a broken voice too, alarmed. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I can’t. I can’t or I’ll lose you. I can’t lose you. Kenma, I can’t. Please.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">They both fell on the ground as Kuroo took the opportunity to wrap his legs around Kenma, circling him with his body, as if to protect him. The blond kept on kicking and pushing but Kuroo held on tight, letting his friend throw his anger at him without ever letting go, listening to the shouts silently as his tears burned his cheeks. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It took twenty minutes, which felt like hours, for Kenma to calm down, completely exhausted. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But even with the panic attack gone, his breaths stayed unsteady and his heartbeat fast. Kuroo’s hand set itself on his head, burying him against his chest. Then his voice, slow, shaky, echoed in his ears. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Breathe. Listen to my breathings and follow-“</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Shut up.” His voice was strangled against the fabric of the shirt but echoed distinctly in the corridor. “It’s your fault.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It was not. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It was nobody’s fault. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Or at least, it was both their fault.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma wasn’t ready. And Kuroo pushed him. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But Kenma had fallen in love in the first place. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I know.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Despite his accusation, Kenma grabbed his friend’s shirt, tucking it firmly in his tight fists as if his life depended on it. Finally, he cried again, more silently, heartbeat slowing. He sank further into the embrace, holding on at his turn. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He didn’t want to fall. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">In a small voice, he repeated. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“It will happen eventually. You’ll find someone and spend the rest of your life with him. And then, high school’s friendship will fade.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kuroo’s embrace tightened as the hurt could be heard in his voice. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Kenma, we’ve known each other since we were five. You really think our relationship can be resumed into high school friends?” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma’s heart sank, he shook his head brushing against the shirt already wet from his tears. He deepened their embrace again, feeling like he was still far away, feeling like his friend was out of reach, afraid of letting go. Kuro let out a long breath, which was broken by a sob. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Kenma, I’ve waited. I’ve waited for you to understand your feelings. I’ve waited for you to be ready. I know you still aren’t. But this is eating you, this is eating us alive.” He buried his head in Kenma’s hair, sighing again, voice hoarse. “Now you are just hurting yourself, and I don’t want you to be in such pain. I can’t wait any longer. Not when I know I nearly lost you because of this.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond shook his head frenetically, begging silently for him to shut up. But he continued, taking a breath in and then speaking the hidden truth out. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Kenma, I’m in love with you.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">This last just stopped breathing, keeping the bit of air he had in his lungs, proceeding the spoken words. When he finally exhaled, he shook his head again, nails dipping into his fist through the shirt.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“No, you’re not. You’re only telling me that because I wanted to hear it. Because you have pity.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Did I ever lied to you?” Kuroo cut him off. He took the following silence for an answer and then, added. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I love you.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma let go of one of the grips to wipe off his tears still flowing. He had dreamed to hear these words. He had dreamed about them for nights and nights. And yet. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“No, you don’t.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Do too.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Do not.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Do too.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">The blond let out another breath, feeling calmer. He took a few seconds to appreciate his steady breaths and heartbeat before saying again. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Do not.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">A hand settled under his chin, raising his head, then cupping his cheeks. Their gaze met, full of despair and worry, but above all full of love. Their first glance of the night felt heavy as if they were trying to convey everything through it. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“Do too.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">They got closer, forehead against forehead, closing their eyes, just feeling the presence of the other, slowly coming back to the moment. Slowly and plainly understanding what they just experienced. When Kenma opened his eyes again, he met Kuroo’s guilty look. This last started crying again, sobbing loudly. The blond could see all the hurt, all the guilt in his eyes. In a heartbreaking whisper, he admitted. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I am sincerely sorry for hurting you.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">It was Kenma’s turn to put his hands on his friend’s cheeks, erasing his tears as new ones formed in his own eyes. He wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he was forgiven, that it wasn’t his fault. But the fact was that Kenma did felt hurt. And he did need an apology. So he kept his mouth closed. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I selfishly ignored your needs. I was so afraid of losing you that I shadowed you and I’m terribly sorry about that.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma nodded, acknowledging him, letting his tears rolling down his face. Then, he passed an arm around Kuroo’s shoulder and brought him back into a hug, plunging his head in his neck. He waited several minutes for their breath to steady again, checking if they were calm enough, before saying in a strangled voice. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“I won’t say it back. I’m not ready.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kuroo answered with a soft and caring voice,  full of understanding and Kenma’s heart squeezed, thankful to have him in his life. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">“It’s okay. Take your time, I’ll always be there.” </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Kenma wasn’t jealous. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He wasn’t ready. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He was insecure. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He was scared. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">But now, he knew. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">He had Kuroo at his side, for all eternity. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">They stayed like this for hours, slowly building the ground they had broken, slowly filling their pain with the other’s presence. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s3">Slowly but surely erasing the dreadful hurt they felt from almost losing the one they loved the most. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Writing this was really difficult. I literally cried while writing and editing but meh, it’s part of the game. </p><p>I hope you liked it anyway, if you’re here that probably means you love angst. So feel free to tell me what you thought about it, or if you have any tips to help me getter better at writing, don’t hesitate to point it out. </p><p>And then, because it’s interesting and all to write about it but it’s a serious issue, let me put a bit of awareness here. Please, if you feel stressed or anything, don’t be afraid to reach for help. I can suggest you a book that helps me a lot, “Do you have a second?” by Courtney Phillips. They also have a tumblr (https://gentle-reminder.tumblr.com/) if you want.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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